Day 75 and clawed my way through it…

Well there is no up beat spin I can come up with at the moment. Today was just a hard fucking day, period.

You see I’ve made some messes with my tendency to ignore any issues that make me uncomfortable and bury my head in the sand, this includes financial ones. Trying to pay off some debt that I knew I could no longer ignore (gotta love taxes!) meant I let a couple of other bills that seemed less significant slide. I knew it was something I would have to deal with eventually so I decided today was that day. Now, I suppose in a way I should be proud of myself for finally adulting and making those tough phone calls, accepting a bit of help offered from my dad (i am NOT good at accepting help but that’s another post), and basically draining my own account as well to finally have this over with but I just felt blah. I felt angry with myself, sad for being such a screw up, fear of what people would think if they knew, a huge sense of failure, etc etc etc… I certainly wasn’t feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. Well you can guess the next feeling that hit me like a ton of bricks, wantttttttt! Yep, cravings. I wanted to hit the fuck it button and down a glass, no that’s a lie, a BOTTLE of wine like I haven’t wanted in months!

I just didn’t want to feel all of that, I didn’t want the sadness and the anger and maybe even the relief and all of the discomfort that came along with all of those friggin emotions. I didn’t though, drink I mean, I may have ate my own own body weight in food but oh well, binging on food isn’t usually an issue for me anymore and with the way I feel tonight after it I doubt it will happen again for a while. The most fabulous part is that all of this emotion shit isn’t done yet! I have one more tough call to make tomorrow and I’m just praying that they (again more taxes) will be happy with what I have figured out for payments that I can afford since I’m really kind of against a wall here, I know I can’t afford to pay anymore than I’m going to purpose tomorrow and I also know that means I’ll be making these weekly payments in addition to my regular taxes for 4 more years before the old debt will be paid off, ugh! But at least I’m dealing with it right? and actually trying… that’s more than I can say for myself for the past few years… my goal is to be almost clear of all of this and have my credit back up to good (ok well at least decent) standing by the time I turn 40, I’ll be 37 this summer so that gives me 3 years to get my shit together to hit that goal. So there it is, I’ve said my goal out loud (ok so I typed it), for whoever may happen to read it, fear of failure F you! Why am I do damn scared of failure? I don’t even know where or when that started for me but I think its always been the way I am, unfortunately I also see it in my son and it breaks my heart. Well I think that’s enough pouring my heart out for one day, I’m going to take all of these damn emotions and a can of diet pop and to to bed. Spin class early tomorrow and it’s a new day so hopefully it will be a better one than today!

Me.