2 years ago…

Well it’s been two years since I first realized that maybe I didn’t have to go through life feeling like shit, that maybe I didn’t have to plan social events around alcohol, that maybe I was drinking too much and that MAYBE there was a better way to live. It’s taken a while for me to actually feel like all of those things are true all of the time but I think I’m finally there! I still have days where I regret going back to drinking for the year, even if the amounts were nowhere near what they were before originally signing up for OYNB alcohol was still holding me back from being the best version of me, I definitely know that with 100% certainty now. A friend of mine came over yesterday and we sat on the deck and had a couple of AF Heinekens and an awesome visit, If I were still drinking even moderately it would have been the perfect excuse to have a couple of glasses of wine or a few beer, my sleep would have been shit, I would have woken up feeling anxious and blah today and I can guarantee I would NOT have gotten up and gone for a run, which ended up being the first run I’ve gone on in a VERY long time where I was able to run 3 straight km’s with no walking breaks! Pretty proud of that little accomplishment today 😉 After my run I came home and did 1 min of each -burpees, situps, and squats followed by a 1 min rest, and repeated for 5 rounds. That last round was pretty tough but I did it! I’m still working on my mindset when it comes to food and focusing on eating nutritious foods rather than being obsessed with calories and macros but I THINK I’m starting to get there… slow and steady wins the race right?? I found the cottage a little tough a few moments this past weekend, it was hard to really “relax” without that bottle of wine but I’m starting to think that that’s ok too, my constant thinking and doing does tend to be annoying some days but it’s part of who I am and hopefully if I keep trying I will eventually find some ways to at least quiet it down a bit without the help of booze 🙂 I hope you’re all having a wonderful week so far!

Me

Day 75 and clawed my way through it…

Well there is no up beat spin I can come up with at the moment. Today was just a hard fucking day, period.

You see I’ve made some messes with my tendency to ignore any issues that make me uncomfortable and bury my head in the sand, this includes financial ones. Trying to pay off some debt that I knew I could no longer ignore (gotta love taxes!) meant I let a couple of other bills that seemed less significant slide. I knew it was something I would have to deal with eventually so I decided today was that day. Now, I suppose in a way I should be proud of myself for finally adulting and making those tough phone calls, accepting a bit of help offered from my dad (i am NOT good at accepting help but that’s another post), and basically draining my own account as well to finally have this over with but I just felt blah. I felt angry with myself, sad for being such a screw up, fear of what people would think if they knew, a huge sense of failure, etc etc etc… I certainly wasn’t feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. Well you can guess the next feeling that hit me like a ton of bricks, wantttttttt! Yep, cravings. I wanted to hit the fuck it button and down a glass, no that’s a lie, a BOTTLE of wine like I haven’t wanted in months!

I just didn’t want to feel all of that, I didn’t want the sadness and the anger and maybe even the relief and all of the discomfort that came along with all of those friggin emotions. I didn’t though, drink I mean, I may have ate my own own body weight in food but oh well, binging on food isn’t usually an issue for me anymore and with the way I feel tonight after it I doubt it will happen again for a while. The most fabulous part is that all of this emotion shit isn’t done yet! I have one more tough call to make tomorrow and I’m just praying that they (again more taxes) will be happy with what I have figured out for payments that I can afford since I’m really kind of against a wall here, I know I can’t afford to pay anymore than I’m going to purpose tomorrow and I also know that means I’ll be making these weekly payments in addition to my regular taxes for 4 more years before the old debt will be paid off, ugh! But at least I’m dealing with it right? and actually trying… that’s more than I can say for myself for the past few years… my goal is to be almost clear of all of this and have my credit back up to good (ok well at least decent) standing by the time I turn 40, I’ll be 37 this summer so that gives me 3 years to get my shit together to hit that goal. So there it is, I’ve said my goal out loud (ok so I typed it), for whoever may happen to read it, fear of failure F you! Why am I do damn scared of failure? I don’t even know where or when that started for me but I think its always been the way I am, unfortunately I also see it in my son and it breaks my heart. Well I think that’s enough pouring my heart out for one day, I’m going to take all of these damn emotions and a can of diet pop and to to bed. Spin class early tomorrow and it’s a new day so hopefully it will be a better one than today!

Me.