So, all was going well, for the most part but as usual, I decided that I was going to fix every aspect of my life at once… Now don’t get me wrong, I know some people can do that and succeed very well but I have come to the conclusion that I am not one of them. I have such an all or nothing attitude and I am most certainly my own worst enemy! I was still on the fence about the whole drinking thing, should I? shouldn’t I? Can I drink occasionally? Can I moderate? What will my husband think if I give it up for good? What will my friends think if I “can’t” enjoy a glass of wine on the deck with them when the weather gets nice? What about the hot tub, will I still find it relaxing on Saturday nights without my best friend in a glass cradled between my hands…? Soooooooo many damn questions, never ending chatter in my head…. Combine that with the million other thoughts I have on a daily basis and…. ugggggh!
So hubby and I had decided to take off for a week south, just the two of us. Have a nice get away, enjoy some sunshine… then it really kicked in to overdrive, that voice… “well you can’t very well go to an all inclusive and not drink, what will hubby think? You won’t have any fun, you won’t be outgoing enough to meet anyone, you’ll ruin his trip too”… and yada yada yada! I’m sure you know where this is going, I drank. Not a huge amount but enough to have a buzz on 4 out of the 6 days we were away. Should that be a big deal? No, not necessarily. Was it a big deal for me? You Betcha! My anxiety began to skyrocket, I couldn’t sleep well because I was anxious, which of course meant that then as soon as the bar opened at 10am I wanted to go get a drink to calm the anxiety, because you know, doing more of the very thing that is causing the issue in the first place makes perfect sense right?!
Well the vacation ended and home we came. We got home on Monday night, I picked up a (BIG) bottle of wine, ya know, to finish my last vacation night with. Tues morning I was a ball of anxiety and nerves, solution? You guessed it, drink more!!! Hubby was working night shifts and my kids are in their rooms by 8 sooooooooo, free pass! I drank, a lot, like a lot, between Tuesday night and Wednesday night. Wednesday at work wasn’t fun but I got through it, Thursday was even less fun but I got through that as well. Then I broke down in a sobbing heap to my poor better half as we were sitting in the living room alone together. I confessed my sins and the consequences of how I was feeling after my little bender, terrified he was going to be upset or angry with me (I grew up in a home with alcohol abuse and never knew what was going to happen, consequently I avoid confrontation like the plague, don’t do well with discussing my feelings, am GREAT at hiding shit, and will do anything to try to keep someone from being mad at me, ie hide shit! although is a whole other story though lol…), anyways… he wasn’t, he was absolutely wonderful. Hugged me, told me he was glad I told him and that he loved me and that he would do whatever I needed of him. Seriously, how I got so lucky is beyond me!
So the point of this extremely long winded post is that I AM DONE. No more questions of moderation or what people will think. I know without a doubt that if I don’t stop drinking now it is only going to get worse, all of it, the sneaking, the binges, the gut wrenching anxiety, the guilt, the shame, etc, etc, etc. Today is day 3, again. I have had a lot of day 3’s, 10’s, 14’s, a few 30’s and up to about 240 once since I’ve started to question my relationship with alcohol. I know this is not going to be easy. I have a lot of work to do on myself and there will definitely be moments where it feels like hell BUT I also know its worth it. I’m a good person and I DESERVE to be happy, alcohol no longer gives me any happiness, but it is most definitely taking it away. I plan to write here daily, or as close to daily as I can, I find it therapeutic and if there is anyone where I am at or further ahead who wants to offer any advice or encouragement it would be greatly appreciated.