Day 3 AGAIN, and for the final time.

So, all was going well, for the most part but as usual, I decided that I was going to fix every aspect of my life at once… Now don’t get me wrong, I know some people can do that and succeed very well but I have come to the conclusion that I am not one of them. I have such an all or nothing attitude and I am most certainly my own worst enemy! I was still on the fence about the whole drinking thing, should I? shouldn’t I? Can I drink occasionally? Can I moderate? What will my husband think if I give it up for good? What will my friends think if I “can’t” enjoy a glass of wine on the deck with them when the weather gets nice? What about the hot tub, will I still find it relaxing on Saturday nights without my best friend in a glass cradled between my hands…? Soooooooo many damn questions, never ending chatter in my head…. Combine that with the million other thoughts I have on a daily basis and…. ugggggh!

So hubby and I had decided to take off for a week south, just the two of us. Have a nice get away, enjoy some sunshine… then it really kicked in to overdrive, that voice… “well you can’t very well go to an all inclusive and not drink, what will hubby think? You won’t have any fun, you won’t be outgoing enough to meet anyone, you’ll ruin his trip too”… and yada yada yada! I’m sure you know where this is going, I drank. Not a huge amount but enough to have a buzz on 4 out of the 6 days we were away. Should that be a big deal? No, not necessarily. Was it a big deal for me? You Betcha! My anxiety began to skyrocket, I couldn’t sleep well because I was anxious, which of course meant that then as soon as the bar opened at 10am I wanted to go get a drink to calm the anxiety, because you know, doing more of the very thing that is causing the issue in the first place makes perfect sense right?!

Well the vacation ended and home we came. We got home on Monday night, I picked up a (BIG) bottle of wine, ya know, to finish my last vacation night with. Tues morning I was a ball of anxiety and nerves, solution? You guessed it, drink more!!! Hubby was working night shifts and my kids are in their rooms by 8 sooooooooo, free pass! I drank, a lot, like a lot, between Tuesday night and Wednesday night. Wednesday at work wasn’t fun but I got through it, Thursday was even less fun but I got through that as well. Then I broke down in a sobbing heap to my poor better half as we were sitting in the living room alone together. I confessed my sins and the consequences of how I was feeling after my little bender, terrified he was going to be upset or angry with me (I grew up in a home with alcohol abuse and never knew what was going to happen, consequently I avoid confrontation like the plague, don’t do well with discussing my feelings, am GREAT at hiding shit, and will do anything to try to keep someone from being mad at me, ie hide shit! although is a whole other story though lol…), anyways… he wasn’t, he was absolutely wonderful. Hugged me, told me he was glad I told him and that he loved me and that he would do whatever I needed of him. Seriously, how I got so lucky is beyond me!

So the point of this extremely long winded post is that I AM DONE. No more questions of moderation or what people will think. I know without a doubt that if I don’t stop drinking now it is only going to get worse, all of it, the sneaking, the binges, the gut wrenching anxiety, the guilt, the shame, etc, etc, etc. Today is day 3, again. I have had a lot of day 3’s, 10’s, 14’s, a few 30’s and up to about 240 once since I’ve started to question my relationship with alcohol. I know this is not going to be easy. I have a lot of work to do on myself and there will definitely be moments where it feels like hell BUT I also know its worth it. I’m a good person and I DESERVE to be happy, alcohol no longer gives me any happiness, but it is most definitely taking it away. I plan to write here daily, or as close to daily as I can, I find it therapeutic and if there is anyone where I am at or further ahead who wants to offer any advice or encouragement it would be greatly appreciated.

Love, D

Double digits! Well I made it to day 10 AF and Keto. So far everything is good except for getting slammed with a major head cold this evening… I am down 3lbs which is pretty damn exciting and I got through most of my paperwork to pass on to my bookkeeper this weekend (all two years worth, yes, I’m one of those…). It never ceases to amaze me, how much more productive my weekends are when I don’t touch alcohol! Well I’m keeping this one short and sweet… me and my filled up head and achy body need our rest… fingers crossed that I don’t wake up any worse than I am right now! 😷

The Journey Begins

Well this is my first blog post ever so I am kind of figuring this out as I go! So, let’s see… I decided to start this blog as a way of documenting the changes that I hope are going to take place with me, I figured I would share it because I am sure I am not the only person who feels this way. I decided a week ago today that I was tired of being stuck on the hamster wheel I had created for myself which went something like this… look forward to the weekend so I could “relax” by drinking wine, drink the wine (a lot of weekends involved too much wine), wait for the anxiety to hit Monday, feel miserable and hopeless for a couple of days then back to work, forget how miserable I felt by Friday/Saturday and look forward to my beloved wine to “relax” again and round and round I go! This wasn’t always the case, I rarely drank at all in my teens/20’s and it was even more rare for me to drink more than a few drinks, I hated being drunk, I couldn’t handle losing control. I can’t say why this changed but at some point over the past few years it did. I don’t consider myself an alcoholic but I know I have developed some very unhealthy habits and coping strategies and it’s time for this to change. I did an alcohol free stint for 8 months about a year and a half ago and I felt better than I had in years, this time around I am also going to focus on cutting sugar and carbs and adding in some fitness related goals. I made it through the first week, no alcohol, didn’t stray from my ketogenic diet (even during SuperBowl, woohoo!), went for my run yesterday and finally got brave enough to go hit the weights at the gym! I must say, I am kind of proud of myself, it’s also amazing to be feeling good on a Monday! I am 36 years old, a wife, mommy to two amazing kiddos and a hairstylist. I want and need more energy to keep up with life but I also need to learn to be kinder to myself and learn how to relax in a healthy way… I am most definitely I work in progress but I know I can do this and I will. I look forward to sharing my journey with whoever wants to read about it and especially with people who are feeling the same way. If we don’t like our situation we have the power to change it, time for this girl to make some changes 😉

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton