24 Days and its looking like a beauty of one!

I said when I decided to make these changes that if I could carry on past the 3 week mark then I would know that I had a reasonable chance of following through, and I have!! I can’t believe its already almost a month. A MONTH! Even though I’ve had quite a few spells since fall where I would go a week or two without having a drink I definitely hadn’t gone a full month in the past year, before that year yes, I had gone 8 months but it took a lottttttt of determination to stick with it much of the time. That being said I do remember that it was getting easier at around the 6 month mark, silly me deciding to drink in a controlled manner at the 8 month mark, really, how many people are in control every time they drink? Very few….

Well I’ve been saying to a few of my OYNB friends that I keep waiting for those inevitable cravings to hit, the ones I have had in the past that either make me feel like a child who’s about to lose their shit because they can’t have the toy or candy they want. Orrrrr the who that is so bad that the child’s mother (I am playing both rolls in this scenario since one part of me would be having the tantrum wanting a drink while they other would be desperately trying to convince myself that it was not worth it and I had to just wait it out…) would just say frig it in and give in and give the child what they wanted. Or in my case, give in to the voices in my own head and have the damn drink! So far this hasn’t happened. I did feel slightly out of sorts last evening but I had an insanely busy week, didn’t eat quite enough yesterday and my kiddos had friends over for the night last night. It wasn’t that I was seriously craving but I felt like I wanted SOMETHING. So, I had a virgin Caesar and a couple of Heinekin 0.0’s along with some crispy minis and 2 hazelnut Hershey kisses. That worked just fine, went to bed feeling great as well as sober and not cranky šŸ˜‰

I keep trying to figure out why this seems to be relatively easy this time around, I think it must be a combination of a few things… I’ve done it before so I know what to expect. I didn’t feel like IĀ  “had” to this time around but I WANTED to. I want a better life, I want it for me, I want it for my family, I just WANT it. I don’t see alcohol in that equation and actually, since I know I have a bit of an issue with abusing it by times, I also know where that will lead eventually and that life my friends looks much worse, not better!

I’m now down 6 pounds! woot woot! That’s an average of 2lbs per week which is absolutely fine with me! The plan of actually making sure I eat 3 meals a day is still on track, a snack as well, major increase in my veggie intake, 3 litres of water minimum and minimal “junk” food. I feel like this is something I can stick to long term. Why it took me so many years to get my mind back to this instead of constantly trying these fad diets and wanting quick results is beyond me! Walking is also still going well, still only 3x per week right now but as the weather gets nicer here I can see me upping that. Right now I do a 10km on Tuesday and a 5km on both Thursday and once over the weekend, which will be today at some point. It looks pretty chilly out here right now but at least the sun is shining šŸ™‚

Happy Sunday and on to the end of the first month!

Me

Day 17 and Going Strong!

well I have survived another Friday and Saturday night! Hubby and I took the kiddos to the movies last night, Ready Player One, it was actually surprisingly good! We went to the early show so we were back home shortly after 9, watched the hockey game and did some reading. Stayed up later than I have been lately but still feel great this morning! šŸ™‚

My yoga hasn’t been going very well, I’m having a hard time dragging my ass out of bed at 5:30am and I shouldn’t be, I’m asleep between 9:30-10:00pm every night and actually sleeping pretty well. Walking isn’t going too badly, I’m aiming for 3x week and getting that in for the most part. I’m down 3.2 lbs since giving up alcohol and I’m hoping to just keep losing it slowly but steadily. Hopefully once I lose another 10lbs or so I can start running again. Just trying to ease my way back in to the physical stuff since my knees are feeling the effect of the extra weight I have been carrying in and I need them to work lol.

I found myself a little grouchy last weekend, I was pretty snappy with the OH and we ended up arguing two nights in a row which makes me soooooo friggin anxious. Frig I hate confrontation, always have! I know that comes from my childhood and I also know its something I need to work on. I tend to not say when something is bothering me because I don’t want to upset anyone or cause and argument, the problem with that though is that it builds and builds and builds and then I blow! Everything all comes out at once because I get to the point where I can’t hold it in anymore, its not healthy for me or my relationships. That’s definitely going to be something I need to figure out once I get my footing a little more in this sobriety thing again!

So far I’m still not finding it difficult to stay away from wine, didn’t even really think about it last night to be honest. Its all the damn feelings that I have a problem with. Had a major blow dealt this week in the debt department, specifically taxes… I got through it though, didn’t freak too badly, although I still haven’t come up with a concrete plan of what to do about it, working on it though! If you are reading this and happen to be Canadian (or from almost anywhere actually), you have likely been following the news just as I have about the hockey team from Saskatchewan who were involved in that horrible accident… I literally cried myself to sleep last night after watching some coverage on the 11pm news. I had seen multiple articles on it yesterday on fb was deliberately trying to avoid it because I knew I wouldn’t handle it well. I just can not wrap my head around it, I am sure we all feel the same on that. My heart is breaking for the families, surviving teammates, their families, the community, everyone… I just can’t even imagine the pain… You think you have huge problems and then you hear something like that and quickly realize how much worse things could be, how in one instant life can be taken away from us, how in one instant those who we love can be taken away from us. My heart and prayers go out to them all, God speed.

Me

Day 9. First major social event Done!

Well I survived the concert!!! I more than survived, I had FUN! Well as much fun as one can have at the worst concert they’ve ever been to… Hubby and friend got on my nerves very briefly at the hotel while they were having their preconcert drinks, but once I got some food into them and sobered them up a bit all was good šŸ™‚ andddddd I found Heineken Non alcoholic beer! We can’t get it here yet so I was pretty darn excited to try it, it was really good! Wishing I had bought more to have home but I wasn’t sure I would like it lol. Oh well, next time I see it somewhere I will definitely be grabbing a case. Normally Budweiser prohibition is my go to but it has almost twice as many calories and carbs so I always feel a little guilty when I have it, I guess for the amount I actually drink it I don’t really need to worry about it though šŸ™‚

So I have a confession to make. I’ve been a little concerned about why I’m finding this so easy so far, not during the week since I didn’t drink much then anyways, but the weekends? and the concert? It hasn’t really bothered me much if at all not to be drinking… My biggest concern with the concert was whether I would have fun and whether I would ruin their night because I was no fun or cranky. So of course, being the overthinker that I am, I started kind of panicking that one of these days I’m going to wake up and have massive cravings and not be able to cope with them. Then I got thinking about what is different this time around… Well, back in December I was (finally) diagnosed with ADHD. I’ve suspected it for years, well since my son was diagnosed about 6 years ago since HE IS JUST LIKE ME. lol. Anyways, my Dr. tried me on a medication after the diagnosis and I took it for about a month but then stopped it, it did nothing for me other than make me feel kind of stoned, not really what I was going for! I had another appointment with her a couple of weeks ago and told her I had discontinued it and why so she suggested we try a different one and I agreed and OMG, I feel like a different person, in a good way. I am able to focus, I can start and finish a task without buzzing all over the house and starting 10 other tasks and not finishing any of them! I actually asked my husband the other night if this is what “normal people” feel like? and then I cried. lol. How long have I struggled? Felt lazy, useless, dumb, etc…? yearsssssssss. Now I’m starting to realize that maybe it wasn’t just personality defects like I had always thought, but maybe it really is the ADHD. So back to my original point. I have done a lot of reading on ADHD/alcohol abuse and guess what? It’s very common in people who are undiagnosed/unmedicated… guess what else? In a lot of the reading I have done on forums there seem to be many people who no longer feel the desire to drink once they are on the proper meds and managing their ADHD correctly, hmmmmmm… Maybe THIS is why I am not craving it? Because my brain has finally settled enough that I don’t feel I need to use wine to calm down or relax? I may be wrong but I feel like that is the reason, it has to be, and it does make sense…. food for thought for anyone out there going through it.

Well my yoga is done for the day, now my blogging is done too šŸ™‚ I decided that writing every single day might be overkill since I really don’t always have something interesting to say lol. I’m likely going to stick to a couple of posts a week unless I have a day that I really feel the need to say something šŸ˜‰ Time to get ready for work now, busy day ahead and then supper out with my 3 favorite humans.

dog

and this just because it made me giggle! Hopefully it will make someone else smile too šŸ™‚ Have an awesome Saturday to anyone who reads this!

Me

Day 6

Well another day has gone by and it was a great one! I slept in, well what I consider sleeping in lol. I didn’t wake up til 8am! I also slept through the entire night! Yay for small victories šŸ™‚

I started the day off with yoga, so far I am sticking to it. I still find it insanely hard but hopefully by the end of the 30 days I’ll be getting a little better at it, I figure I can’t get much worse at least! After yoga I went for a 5km walk, it was cold but beautiful. As much as I hate the winter there are still days that I can appreciate the beauty of it.Ā walk3

Normally I would never go for a “walk”. No, that wouldn’t be enough, I would push myself to run. I am trying to go about things a little differently right now. No keto, no counting macros, no jumping back into the gym, no half marathons… What’s the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? That’s been me for the past few years. Instead of aiming for perfection on every front I am just trying to learn to love myself as I am and focus on doing things for my health, both mental and physical. I know I need to lose 30lbs BUT I figure if I make small changes over time it will be much easier to stick with and I can keep my sobriety as my main focus because at this moment that’s what is most important.

I had a good chat with an amazing friend who I met the first time I decided I needed to address my drinking habits. He has over 20 years of sobriety and is such an inspiration, a very nonjudgmental and kind person and one of those people I was talking about yesterday when I talked about my fear of never having fun again, he seems to have lots of fun so he gives me hope. I asked him if I could text him Thursday night if I am feeling panicky while OH and my friend have their pre-concert drinks. I have visions of having to lock myself in the bathroom at some point in the evening and send out either an emergency SOS or a mini rant… Either way he said I could so that helped ease my mind. Knowing I have someone to text that will “get it” calms me somehow. I have some wonderful other online friends who I met through the amazing One Year No Beer group that I have been a member of for about a year and a half. They are also absolutely friggin amazing but since most are in about a 4 hour time change they will more likely be in bed by the time I may be having a mini melt down lol. It’s funny, I have never met any of the people in this wonderful small group chat I am lucky enough to be part of but they are my people, they get me, they don’t judge, they listen, and they are probably some of the best people I know, even though I have only ever talked to them online. Technology is pretty cool in some ways!

Well the kiddos are gone up to bed and hubby is up getting ready for work so with that I think I will sign off and head to bed, tomorrow is going to be busy, 12 hour work day and then I will have to pack for the concert.. yay…. hahaha. Good night world šŸ™‚

Me

Day 5

Well I made it through another day. Saved my blogging for tonight due to hubby still working the night shift. For some reason I feel like knowing I have to write will keep me accountable. Kind of silly really.

I didn’t keep myself quite as crazy busy today, partly because I really didn’t have a lot left to do since I ran around like a madwoman all day yesterday lol. I had a coffee with a friend and then went in to have a visit with my Dad. A couple of small chores around the house and other than that just did some more reading through other’s blogs and watched a bit of tv. Nothing too exciting but it was kind of nice to have a quiet day home.

I am going to a concert Thursday night with hubby and one of my friends, its a 3.5 hour drive so we are staying over and then heading home in the morning. Unfortunately we planned this months ago and even though hubby has given me the option of us cancelling I don’t feel right doing that to him or our friend so I said we would still go. If I’m being honest? I don’t want to go, AT ALL. I’m scared shitless. The friend doesn’t know what has been going on and she is a rather heavy drinker herself so I am terrified she is going to pressure me OR I will be having a miserable time and be a cranky buzz kill on them. I do know I’m not going to drink, I’m just not sure she will ever want to hang out with me again after this. But then again, I suppose if she doesn’t she really isn’t that great of a friend… I am going to try my best to have a positive attitude and enjoy myself but I would really rather just be planning an evening home with the kiddos at this point. oh well, it is what it is!

Thinking about that a lot today got me thinking a lot about my friendships. I have 4 close friends who I have been friends with for years but we are all so busy in our lives that we have drifted apart. Jobs, bf’s or husbands, kiddos, etc etc etc. It sucks, I miss them all, a lot. I haven’t told them what has been going on with me. I don’t feel right dumping this on them when we no longer talk on a regular basis. I also thought hard about the friendships I have made in recent years (since I have been drinking on a somewhat regular and then regular basis). Although they are wonderful people, they aren’t people who I feel are really there if I need them. I seem to attract people who have a lot of drama, I never really thought about it until recently but maybe its me? Maybe I like their chaos because it takes the focus (both theirs and my own) off myself and my own shit? I dunno, maybe I’m overanalyzing but I think there may be something to this…

Other than worrying about the stupid concert (I am sure you can feel my excitement jumping right off the page by now lol), I’m feeling pretty good so far. I know this is going to be hard as hell but I feel like I finally have my resolve back. The last time I did a decent amount of time sober it was 8 months. I’m trying to remember how I felt at that point. I know I was happier overall and definitely had less anxiety but did I start having fun yet at that point? Like truly having fun? I think that is honestly my biggest concern in all of this. That I will never laugh my ass off again, that I will become the stick in the mud that nobody wants to hang out with. I know that is likely just utterly foolish but right now in this moment, and for that past however many months when I’ve been debating about giving up alcohol for good, this has honestly been my biggest concern. That annoying voice in my head that I mentioned yesterday? This is what I screams the loudest… Time will tell I guess. I know lots (ok maybe not lots but some) people who have been sober long term and they seem to have fun so I guess there is hope.

Anyways its now 10:23 pm here so it is time for me to go to bed. I don’t work until mid afternoon tomorrow but since I seem to have this wonderful habit of waking up in the middle of the night lately I have been trying to get to bed early. This is actually pretty late, normally I am upstairs reading by 8pm lol.

Until tomorrow,

Me.

 

Day 4…

Well I made it through the weekend. I’ll consider that a small victory. I kept myself busy to the point of being almost manic today but there was a reason behind it. Also the reason why I didn’t stick to my plan of blogging in the mornings. Hubby is working nights again this week and to top it off the kids are with their Dad tonight and tomorrow night so you know what that means… Just me and my fur babies home tonight, nobody to judge and nobody to know what I am up to, except me, I know. I figured by exhausting myself today and having to write here tonight those would be two things in my favor to keep me from having “just one drink” and guess what? I am happy to report that my plan worked!

I started out the day early (as usual since I typically am never able to sleep in), I spent an hour or two going through some blogs and finding a few that really spoke to me which I promptly followed and plan to read more of tonight if I have trouble going to sleep early. Then we went and did our grocery shopping, came home to put them away, cleaned til my little heart was content and my house was spotless. After that I spent an hour or so returning messages to clients, got some stuff ready for my book keeper and did some laundry… By the time all of that was done OH was getting ready to leave for work, no panic setting in at that time so that was a relief! After he left I did day 2 of my 30 day yoga challenge, by the way did you know that yoga actually makes you sweat?! Well it makes me sweat anyways, I think its a combination of me being really out of shape and the fact that it is actually wayyyyyyy harder than I thought!

Now I am on my final plan of the day, yep, the blog. I have no clue if I am doing this right. I know I am definitely not a writer but something about being able to pour your heart out and say exactly what’s on your mind with nobody knowing you is so freeing. My best friends Dad stopped by to see me yesterday since I had messaged him in a drunken panic the past week about what I now without a doubt know is my drinking problem. He had his fair of issues with it in the past himself and has known me since I was born so who better to talk to? God love him, he let me pour my heart out for a good couple of hours, made me feel like I’m maybe not completely crazy and that somehow this will all be ok. At one point during all of my blubbering and crying and going on I told him I didn’t know how this happened, I hated alcohol when I was a kid, I never drank much at all in my 20’s and just never would have imagined I would be here… His response? Hun, its an addiction, you have an addiction. Jeez, somehow I had never actually looked at it like that. For other people yes, for me? No. I think even though I have gotten to the point that I know I have an issue and can’t drink I still didn’t really think I was an “addict”, clearly he is right though. It’s funny, when I smoked I had no problem admitting and accepting that I was addicted to nicotine, why on earth is it so much harder to accept with alcohol? Is it because drinking is so socially accepted? Expected even? I’m sure that is something I will be pondering for a while…

So with hubby gone to work and leaving me alone for the night I had an issue. He cooks, always. Like I NEVER cook anymore. My supper however was delicious, comfort food at its finest! I will try to attach a picture of my gourmet meal to this post but since I have no idea how to actually do that I’m not going to promise anything šŸ™‚

supper

Omg, I did it! That’s kind of shocking actually! LOL

Well with that I guess its time to sign off and head upstairs to read some blogs, maybe start a book, maybe watch a movie… who knows?! I just know I won’t be drinking anything containing alcohol tonight.

D

Day 3 AGAIN, and for the final time.

So, all was going well, for the most part but as usual, I decided that I was going to fix every aspect of my life at once… Now don’t get me wrong, I know some people can do that and succeed very well but I have come to the conclusion that I am not one of them. I have such an all or nothing attitude and I am most certainly my own worst enemy! I was still on the fence about the whole drinking thing, should I? shouldn’t I? Can I drink occasionally? Can I moderate? What will my husband think if I give it up for good? What will my friends think if I “can’t” enjoy a glass of wine on the deck with them when the weather gets nice? What about the hot tub, will I still find it relaxing on Saturday nights without my best friend in a glass cradled between my hands…? Soooooooo many damn questions, never ending chatter in my head…. Combine that with the million other thoughts I have on a daily basis and…. ugggggh!

So hubby and I had decided to take off for a week south, just the two of us. Have a nice get away, enjoy some sunshine… then it really kicked in to overdrive, that voice… “well you can’t very well go to an all inclusive and not drink, what will hubby think? You won’t have any fun, you won’t be outgoing enough to meet anyone, you’ll ruin his trip too”… and yada yada yada! I’m sure you know where this is going, I drank. Not a huge amount but enough to have a buzz on 4 out of the 6 days we were away. Should that be a big deal? No, not necessarily. Was it a big deal for me? You Betcha! My anxiety began to skyrocket, I couldn’t sleep well because I was anxious, which of course meant that then as soon as the bar opened at 10am I wanted to go get a drink to calm the anxiety, because you know, doing more of the very thing that is causing the issue in the first place makes perfect sense right?!

Well the vacation ended and home we came. We got home on Monday night, I picked up a (BIG) bottle of wine, ya know, to finish my last vacation night with. Tues morning I was a ball of anxiety and nerves, solution? You guessed it, drink more!!! Hubby was working night shifts and my kids are in their rooms by 8 sooooooooo, free pass! I drank, a lot, like a lot, between Tuesday night and Wednesday night. Wednesday at work wasn’t fun but I got through it, Thursday was even less fun but I got through that as well. Then I broke down in a sobbing heap to my poor better half as we were sitting in the living room alone together. I confessed my sins and the consequences of how I was feeling after my little bender, terrified he was going to be upset or angry with me (I grew up in a home with alcohol abuse and never knew what was going to happen, consequently I avoid confrontation like the plague, don’t do well with discussing my feelings, am GREAT at hiding shit, and will do anything to try to keep someone from being mad at me, ie hide shit! although is a whole other story though lol…), anyways… he wasn’t, he was absolutely wonderful. Hugged me, told me he was glad I told him and that he loved me and that he would do whatever I needed of him. Seriously, how I got so lucky is beyond me!

So the point of this extremely long winded post is that I AM DONE. No more questions of moderation or what people will think. I know without a doubt that if I don’t stop drinking now it is only going to get worse, all of it, the sneaking, the binges, the gut wrenching anxiety, the guilt, the shame, etc, etc, etc. Today is day 3, again. I have had a lot of day 3’s, 10’s, 14’s, a few 30’s and up to about 240 once since I’ve started to question my relationship with alcohol. I know this is not going to be easy. I have a lot of work to do on myself and there will definitely be moments where it feels like hell BUT I also know its worth it. I’m a good person and I DESERVE to be happy, alcohol no longer gives me any happiness, but it is most definitely taking it away. I plan to write here daily, or as close to daily as I can, I find it therapeutic and if there is anyone where I am at or further ahead who wants to offer any advice or encouragement it would be greatly appreciated.

Love, D