Day 5

Well I made it through another day. Saved my blogging for tonight due to hubby still working the night shift. For some reason I feel like knowing I have to write will keep me accountable. Kind of silly really.

I didn’t keep myself quite as crazy busy today, partly because I really didn’t have a lot left to do since I ran around like a madwoman all day yesterday lol. I had a coffee with a friend and then went in to have a visit with my Dad. A couple of small chores around the house and other than that just did some more reading through other’s blogs and watched a bit of tv. Nothing too exciting but it was kind of nice to have a quiet day home.

I am going to a concert Thursday night with hubby and one of my friends, its a 3.5 hour drive so we are staying over and then heading home in the morning. Unfortunately we planned this months ago and even though hubby has given me the option of us cancelling I don’t feel right doing that to him or our friend so I said we would still go. If I’m being honest? I don’t want to go, AT ALL. I’m scared shitless. The friend doesn’t know what has been going on and she is a rather heavy drinker herself so I am terrified she is going to pressure me OR I will be having a miserable time and be a cranky buzz kill on them. I do know I’m not going to drink, I’m just not sure she will ever want to hang out with me again after this. But then again, I suppose if she doesn’t she really isn’t that great of a friend… I am going to try my best to have a positive attitude and enjoy myself but I would really rather just be planning an evening home with the kiddos at this point. oh well, it is what it is!

Thinking about that a lot today got me thinking a lot about my friendships. I have 4 close friends who I have been friends with for years but we are all so busy in our lives that we have drifted apart. Jobs, bf’s or husbands, kiddos, etc etc etc. It sucks, I miss them all, a lot. I haven’t told them what has been going on with me. I don’t feel right dumping this on them when we no longer talk on a regular basis. I also thought hard about the friendships I have made in recent years (since I have been drinking on a somewhat regular and then regular basis). Although they are wonderful people, they aren’t people who I feel are really there if I need them. I seem to attract people who have a lot of drama, I never really thought about it until recently but maybe its me? Maybe I like their chaos because it takes the focus (both theirs and my own) off myself and my own shit? I dunno, maybe I’m overanalyzing but I think there may be something to this…

Other than worrying about the stupid concert (I am sure you can feel my excitement jumping right off the page by now lol), I’m feeling pretty good so far. I know this is going to be hard as hell but I feel like I finally have my resolve back. The last time I did a decent amount of time sober it was 8 months. I’m trying to remember how I felt at that point. I know I was happier overall and definitely had less anxiety but did I start having fun yet at that point? Like truly having fun? I think that is honestly my biggest concern in all of this. That I will never laugh my ass off again, that I will become the stick in the mud that nobody wants to hang out with. I know that is likely just utterly foolish but right now in this moment, and for that past however many months when I’ve been debating about giving up alcohol for good, this has honestly been my biggest concern. That annoying voice in my head that I mentioned yesterday? This is what I screams the loudest… Time will tell I guess. I know lots (ok maybe not lots but some) people who have been sober long term and they seem to have fun so I guess there is hope.

Anyways its now 10:23 pm here so it is time for me to go to bed. I don’t work until mid afternoon tomorrow but since I seem to have this wonderful habit of waking up in the middle of the night lately I have been trying to get to bed early. This is actually pretty late, normally I am upstairs reading by 8pm lol.

Until tomorrow,

Me.

 

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